The first few days...

Since I have only just created this blog today, and I was laid off on Monday, I'm a few days behind on updates. Therefore, I will wrap up the first few days within this entry, and each day after this will get it's own entry.

Day #0

I suppose I should start with the day I was laid off. I woke up, got ready in a rush, and drove the frustrating 45 minutes into work like any other Monday. However, this particular Monday I was planning on having a chat with my boss. There had been so little work for me to do the past few weeks that I was starting to worry about my job. I was going to meet with him in his office and ask him what my chances of getting laid off were. Before I even got the chance to ask him, he came to my cubicle and asked me to meet him in the small conference room. I knew immediately what was about to happen, and thought it was quite ironic that I had been about to ask him the question for which he was about to give me the dreaded answer.

I walked into the conference room and sat down as my boss and his boss proceeded to tell me that the company wasn't doing so well, and our parent company was demanding some people be let go. I, unfortunately, turned out to be one of those people.

Regardless of the fact that I knew what was going to happen before even walking into the room, my heart was pounding and I was fighting back tears. Both bosses were sincerely sorry and said so, and they were even giving me a severance package and an extension on my insurance (because they were quite aware of my previous layoffs and the lack of insurance they had caused me). I was told to go back to my cubicle, finish up any work that I wanted to, gather my things and say my goodbyes. Considering that I knew I was going to get emotional, I opted for just gathering my things, saying a very brief goodbye to a few people, and leaving. Of course, I realized I'd forgotten my lunch inside when I got out to my car, so I had to go back in and retrieve it. It felt like I had to do two walks of shame, even though there was nothing for me to be ashamed of, as yet again, the loss of my job was not my fault.

After calling the boyfriend to tell him the bad news, I drove home teary eyed and angry. Got to the apartment, unloaded my stuff onto the floor, and proceeded to find friends online who I could bitch to. I felt a little bit better after this, and decided I should take a nap to help my bad day come to an end quicker. This was a bad idea, as I woke up depressed.

In yet another horribly ironic twist, I had to call my mother because it was her birthday. I couldn't bring myself to ruin her day by telling her I'd been laid off, so I lied to her and chatted with her like everything was fine. Ended up feeling pretty terrible about it, but it's not like her knowing was going to change anything.

However, a few hours later my wonderful boyfriend showed up at my door with chocolate chip mint ice cream and some root beer to cheer me up! After watching "Blazing Saddles" together while eating our ice cream, we said our goodbyes, and I went to bed...ending the day.

Day #1

For my first bit of advice to share in this blog, I must say to all those who have been laid off: DO NOT SLEEP IN! You don't have to get up at the crack of dawn like you did when you had a job, but for the love of cheese, get up before 10 or 11. Try to have some sort of schedule set for your day, some sort of structure. Otherwise, the depression will set in. I made the mistake of sleeping til 11 on my first fully unemployed day...and I felt sad and unmotivated.

However, I was able to snap out of it long enough to write a list of things I needed to do (pay bills, do dishes, take out garbage, get groceries, clean up the apartment, re-organize resume files on the computer, update my resume, begin my job search, email some people I was freelancing for, update my website, update my portfolio, send a college project to Harley-Davidson in hopes they'd love it and pay me millions). I only accomplished a few of the things on the list, but that's ok. As long as I accomplish something each day, I know I can stay out of the depressive slump that I know will eventually get me with boredom.

So, I updated my resume, sent it to a few jobs I found online, walked to the post office to mail some bills, went to the bank to deposit my severance checks, then came home and watched my netflix movie that had come in the mail. I was feeling ok until the movie ended. At that point, I had lost my motivation and was feeling the edges of anxiety creeping in. I had only found a few (five to be exact) jobs available for me online...I have other friends searching for jobs in the same field, and they've been searching for a while...how will I find a job in time? Where will I get money to keep my apartment and my car? How much bigger will my balance on my credit card get? Will the recession prevent me from finding a decent job that I can keep for more than a few months?

I can't believe the anxiety and depression are setting in already. I mean, I was expecting it to show up eventually...it's just something that happens when you lose your job. It starts with feeling useless and helpless. Can't contribute to society, can't bring in money for myself, and every job I go for either doesn't respond or rejects me. Eventually, depression and anxiety set in full force...I start to cry a lot, I constantly worry about my dwindling bank account, and I lose my motivation. I still search for jobs, of course, but I know they will all fall through and that I may end up with some job that I hate that has nothing to do with design.

I ended the day with no job responses (even though I'd just applied that day...irrational, I know) and a sad face knowing tomorrow won't be much different.